It was a lovely warm day near the beach in Carlsbad. The noon start at Magee park brought out all the pimps and hos in thier animal prints and blinged out best. We gathered next to a church that was hosting a baby shower, boy were they shocked. The first thing I noticed was that it was very difficult to recognize people, we just aren’t used to seeing each other in leopard print, crushed velvet and sequins, and that’s a shame. Like all Humpin’ hashes, we had copious amounts of beer at start both dark and light, to get this crawl started right. After introductions for our virgins and out of towners (and boy there were a lot) we had a quick renditon of father abraham (had 7 ho’s), as led by Weed Whacker.

The first beerstop was at the Ho-cean House for beer and wine. This place looked way too nice to allow the likes of us inside. We had a minor issue with the beer selection, but AssHopHer put it right, and I got my beverage of choice (this is still a free country hash, after all) Whilst inside and carousing, I ran into Pre-Cum, a hasher from Phoenix, who just happened to be in the neighborhood. We sang some songs (what would a pubcrawl be without singing?) and were on our way.

We tramped through the sand and fell behind the pack a bit. On the beach we met up with a few groups of jailbait and affirmed the fact that Forrest Hump is going to hell. Not to worry, the gals got our due with some adorable surfers. As we ascended the stairs I noticed ECT in her cop uniform, writing tickets for violations real or imagined, and she had already hancuffed Forrest Hump, justice is swift in the 92008.  Weed stopped traffic for us (literally) with a bullfighting manuever of  his money jacket. His reasoning: ”Everyone stops for money”.

We made it over to Dini’s for beer and songs. We had a  rare occurance of the “Wild West Show” that went for more than 3 verses, and I’m pretty sure we picked up treasure on trail here. After everyone had a beer and we were ushered out the door we were on to At Your Cervixxx’s place, to have 40’s of OE and champagne cherry cocktails. This is where things started to get fuzzy for me. I ran into Who Said Head nursing her blisters and spied All Roads Lead to Anal watering the garden. At some point in the day, (I’m really not sure when) I was thrown over a fence by B4 and caught by Geriatric Stud. Thanks guys, for only ripping my fishnets enough to be tasteful. After we drank all the booze in Cervixxx’s yard, we followed trail (I think….) to the back yard of the Pizza Port. They didn’t seem to want us in the front, mingling with the other customers. I do have to give them credit- we had food ready and waiting and a bathroom exclusively for our use. We were having so much fun we didn’t want to leave, that is until they said the magic words, “No more beer.”

Into the Alley we went, although much to our dismay they didn’t have karaoke going. I managed to wear part of BORT’s drink and drank most of mine before being dragged (Thanks, Afterbirth) to the Jello Shot check (Otherwise known as The Unraveling of the Hash). The Jello Shot check is widely aknowledged as the place where we did, in fact, make everything worse. The drunk became the obliterated and the obliterated became the absolutely wrecked. Jalapenis and PADII joined us, taking the places of Royal and Chick Clit, who mysteriously disappeared.

As we entered Boar’s Crossing (which until yesterday I referred to as “that one with the couch”) I realized that I needed some air. I ducked outside and found Ridin’ Zamboner from Tucson redecorating the gutter and being cheered on by At Your Cervixxx. Figuring that wasn’t the kind of air I needed, I collapsed onto the couch next to Orca Hole Lick, who was handcuffed to Goes Down Syndrome. Moments later, they were replaced (in true musical chairs fashion) by Morning Cocktail, with Weed Whacker crawling on his hands and knees across the lobby. She went to tend to him as Geriatric Stud walked through the doorway carrying Don Juana Beaner around the middle. Don Juan looked a lot worse for the wear, his eyes were rolling, his feet were skimming the ground and he had cuts around his eye. Geriatric deposited Don Juan next to yours truly and left. The bartender then informed me that I needed to get him out of that place because he was starting fights. I’m not really certain how he (or I, for that matter) left that establishment, but somehow I made it to the end.

I’m reliably informed we had a lovely meal of Chinese food, and as we started to gain lucidity back, we noticed that we were drinking can beer and not our usual kegs. This prompted questions as to the whereabouts of our beermeister. Rumor got around that Royal Flush got a DUI and crashed the beertruck, that it was impounded with all the run bags in the back, and that he would be spending at least the night in jail. This rumor only escalated as time passed the next morning at Hennesey’s. Eventually, the story was that Captain Jerk had gone to bail him out (which could have been true, as they showed up at the same time), he had been shot trying to evade arrest and was on life support. Royal Flush cleared it all up when he said “I thought you wankers had had quite enough to drink, so I took the beer, went home and crashed out”.

Also, for the record, we found out first hand that Carlsbad police do indeed have a telephone to recieve complaints on, as they showed up at The 6 to quiet us down. Carlsbad has some funny laws. Open containers are hunky dory, but make so much as a sound in a hotel room at 9pm and the cops will pound your door down. They do, however, have a decent sense of humor. When Shutter Up told one of the female officers “Hey, you’re kinda hot.”, she laughed it off and didn’t immediately cuff him. Probably because that would have only encouraged him.

That’s pretty much all I can remember, and I was taking notes! Hopefully that helps some of you piece your day back together… I’m still working on filling in some gaps. Also, I found pictures on my camera I know I didn’t take. Whoever grabbed my camera, thanks for returning it!

On on to the next day (my next writeup, to be posted tomorrow) (Edit 3/21: yeah, that didn’t happen. Sorry.),
Here 2 Get Laid

Upcumming Events:
3/28-30 Hash de Tucson
4/12-13 Las Vegas Canoe Trip
5/30 SD RDR
6/13-15 jHavelinas 1000th Run (Tucson)